Me and my family are on ‘Christmas Vacation’. There’s a lot of ‘family crap’ that has been foremost on my mind, until we got to this here hotel where we will stay for a week. I also have a lot of work that I was forced to bring with me in order to get away. All of these things together are fairly distracting. However, since we have been here, I have witnessed phenomena that I will attempt to find words to describe.

This hotel allows dogs, which I think is great. There is always a dog or two in the hallway, they lick my kids in the face, I’ll scratch their heads and tell them how cute they are (the dogs, not my kids. Stuff like that absolutely ruins kids). Then yesterday, a severe looking thin man with a wife that looks like a shrieking harpy took up in the room across the hall. They have two small dogs. They bark a little, to which  the man responds by freaking out and screaming as loud as he can for the dogs to ‘Shut the fuck up!’. Sometimes the shrill harpy that’s with him will pipe up with ‘Yeah, just shut the fuck up!’, in a courageous show of support for her husband’s struggle against the evil will of these dogs. The tone of their voices is growing increasingly desperate as the holiday approaches.

I was walking into the hotel last night with my daughter, who’s four, and the man was outside with one of his little dogs. He had it by the collar and was bent over so that he and the dog were face to face, and he was repeating loudly “You’re a disappointment, you’re nothing but a disappointment, you need to straighten up and stop being a disappointment [and so forth]“.

I want to sit down with him, look him in the eye, and tell him that unleashing that much pent up, misdirected anger on two helpless dogs that are just minding their own business isn’t healthy or right. It’s bad for the dogs, and he just looks silly face to face with an animal and calling it a ‘disappointment’. I understand that he has deep-seated problems, and the only way he is ever going to be able to find peace is to have human children, and berate the living shit out of them until they are traumatized. This is called ‘The Circle of Life’ and it is how our species survives. You must propagate, then unload all of your bullshit onto your kids, who suffer under its weight and in turn do the same thing to their children in a never ending chain of making each other miserable. This chain is recharged every year, between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

So during this holiday time, if you have any of your own children, nieces or nephews, don’t forget to make disparaging comments about their appearance, abilities, or station in life. You’ve been miserable all year, and it’s time to get some good digs in against your kids. Try unflattering comparisons to other people’s kids. This works best when the person you compare them to is actually a train wreck. “Remember Peggy’s boy, the one that went to jail for multiple rape? He learned how to fix air conditioners in jail, and now that he’s out on parole he’s got a real steady job. Maybe you should talk to him and see if he could help YOU get a better job?” That always gets ‘em.

When dealing with your own parents and grandparents, remember: Striking them will land you in jail for domestic violence, and you never know when the Cops camera crew will show up out of no where and get footage of you screaming “You don’t understand, she’s been calling me a disappointment my whole life” at 5 cops who are fighting you into a pair of handcuffs. This will also result in your manipulative mother and alcoholic father who can’t be pleased that they are right, and cause them to show up at jail and say “We told you so”. So you better just shut up and take it. If you don’t like it, have your own kids and do it to them.

So have a great holiday, and don’t forget to participate in both the taking of happiness and having happiness taken from you. If you happen to get into a Christmas altercation at a jam-packed mall full of people scrambling frantically to buy gifts so they can show their family God’s love, I would highly suggest screaming ‘Merry Christmas motherfucker’ just before you punch someone in the face. It will make for great conversation later that day and will be a great way to ‘one up’ any holiday story told at the office in a couple of weeks.

Posted under Holidays, The Circle of Life

Run! There's a hook on his hand!

Right now, a majority of the civilized world has flexed their naval power off of the coast of Somalia. A rag-tag loosely organized band of, get this, Somali pirates has been hijacking container vessels at an alarming rate and forcing international corporations to pay millions of dollars in ransom. Once the military might of the world showed up to stop them, what did they do? They hijacked more important ships. The US Navy said stop, the Somali pirates said ‘Yeah, fuck you’. The US Navy said “Umm, well, shit what can we do? Some of those guys look tough! I think the tall guy has a knife!” The Indian Navy (The Indian Dot Head Navy, not the Casino Indian Navy) talked a bunch of shit about sinking a pirate ship, then found out two days later that, oh, it was actually a fishing boat. A fishing boat, I would like to point out, that was turned into toothpicks with a missile. They were strutting around talking shit about how “Those pirates were all, like, waaah we’re pirates! And we were all like ‘Fuck no, not this time’ and the pirates were like ‘Oh yeah Esay, who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you going to do?’ and we were all like ‘did I just fire 5 missiles, or was it six? Do you feel lucky punk? Make my day, bitch’ and BLAM! Huh? It was a fishing what? We killed a bunch of fishing who? Ahhh… Shit.”

You know what? A Somali pirate is the most bad-assest person on the face of the earth right now. You might be a hardened terrorist,  maybe you saw blood and guts in Fallujah, but at the end of the day, you’re terrified of the civilized world and their weapons. A Somali pirate takes one look at the Third Fleet, and says “Meh!”. The press keeps defending our military by stating that these pirates are armed with AK-47s and RPGs, but come on. The 3^rd fleet has nuclear weapons. But they take one look at a Somali pirate and say ‘Fuck that, we’re not going over there. Those guys can do what ever the fuck they want, I just hope they don’t take our boats away from us.” In the face of earthquakes and tsunamis, a cold-war nuclear crisiswith a potential to end life as we know it, and WWII Japanese imperialism, the US Navy doesn’t flinch. Unless it involves some Somali pirate with a rifle. Somali pirates, I salute you.

Posted under America is a couple of months away from a Mad Max movie, Terrorism, What the fuck America?